I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
