She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
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i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
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I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize