homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
