it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize