I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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