You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
