Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
