i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
