After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
