I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
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He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
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We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Why can't burritos get me drunk
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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