ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
