$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
