Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
