listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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