I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I will pee on everything he values.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
