god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
