I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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