I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
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he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
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I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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