You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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