You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
