my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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