Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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