FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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