My hair reeks of homosexuality.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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