You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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