Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
