You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
