I'm so fucking centered right now
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
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Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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