if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You ruined the universe
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
