dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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