I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
