I can text with my tongue
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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