Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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