Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
