I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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