I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
