90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
