So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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