I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
