the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
