First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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