her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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