you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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