my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
