I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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