my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
