paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
