it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
