I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
