Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
