I'm jealous of your bromance
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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