Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
