____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
