If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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