my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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