Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
