I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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