she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
