Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
