What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
