dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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