Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
