in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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